Sixty dollars to Mordor
by happy molecule
Summary: Aragorn learns something he never knew about his beloved.....
1. The confession

"Arwen!" Aragorn yelled, steeping through the door and dropping his pack.

"ARI!" Arwen squealed in delight.  "You're home!"  She ran to him and leapt into his arms.

"Sweet Eru, I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too baby," she said back softly.

            After about half an hour, Aragorn finally relinquished his tight grip on his beloved.  Confusion clouded his face.

"Arwen, honey, is you hair _blonde?!"_

Arwen reached up and touched her long hair.

"Oh that," she giggled nervously.  "That's, uh….that's just a consequence of um…me…uh my giving up of my immortality."

"But I'm mortal and my hair isn't blonde…."

Arwen began sobbing.

"Ok, it's true!  You've discovered my secret!  I'm really Legolas!"

Aragorn laughed so hard he fell of the table he had been sitting on.  He continued laughing hysterically for another five minutes or so.

"Oh yeah…sure…..hehe that was a good one sweetie," he managed to get out between giggles.

"I'm serious!  I'm Legolas Greenleaf of the woodland realm!"

"Arwen I told you, don't believe everything the voices say.  Sometimes they get it wrong, remember?"

"I'm not insane!  I'm really Legolas!" She paused.  "How else would I know about your fetish for ear wax?"

Aragorn screamed.

"Ah!  You really are Legolas!"  He began vomiting on the floor.  "Oh my god, I slept with my best MALE friend!"

"Don't worry Ari.  It's ok." 'Arwen' said, placing her hand on his back.

"Ah!  Don't touch me!" he yelled, jumping up and climbing Elrond's favourite bookcase in a desperate attempt to get as far away from 'her'.

Legolas began sobbing again.

"You hate me now, don't you?"

"Hell yeah!  You pretended to be my fiancée!"

"Actually, I am your fiancée."

"WHAT?!"

"There is no Arwen.  She never existed."

"Well then who the hell have I been in love with for the past 68 years?!"

"Me."

"Aw man, that's gross!"  Aragorn thought for a moment.  "Hang on, that's not possible.  Whatever happened to Elrond's daughter?"

"He doesn't have one."

"Yes he does!  And her name's Arwen and she's the most beautiful creature in all of Middle Earth and I love her more than anything in the world!"

Legolas looked at him.

"If she really was Elrond's daughter, how come you didn't meet her until you were 20?"

"Because she was living in Lothlorien."

Legolas looked at him with an air of incredulity.

"Do you REALLY believe that anyone could ACTUALLY spend 20 years in that place?"

"Good point."

An awkward silence followed.

"Ari, baby, I didn't mean to hurt you.  But it was just-you were so gorgeous, I couldn't resist.  And I knew someone like you would never go out with a lowly elf like me."

Aragorn laughed at this.

"Lowly elf? You?!"  You're the prince of Mirkwood for crying out loud!"

"And you're Isildur's heir!  Heir to the throne of Gondor AND Arnor!  How could I ever compete with that?!"  He took a moment to brush his hair back from his face.  "And so I invented Arwen, hoping that you would fall in love with 'her', and I would be able to get closer to you.  Elrond didn't care that I invented him a daughter; he thought it was kinda cute.  I was planning to reveal it to you earlier, but I- I didn't want you to react like this and-sweet Eru, I-" And with that, Legolas burst into tears.  Aragorn stared at him.  Suddenly he burst out laughing.  He laughed so hard hell fell off his perch on the bookshelf and, with a loud crash, fell through the floor!

"ARAGORN!" Legolas screamed, diving through the hole in the floor.

To be continued……..


	2. The journey home

Legolas landed with a thud.  He lay there for a few moments, trying to regain his breath after such a heavy fall, then stood up and looked around.  There was sand as far as the eye could see.  Legolas was confused.  Where the hell was he?  And where was his precious Aragorn?

"Aragorn?" he called.  "Aragorn!"

He began running around madly.  His eyes desperately searched for his beloved, but all he could see were many men and woman in scanty clothing.  There was no sign of Aragorn anywhere.  It was as if he'd simply vanished.  Legolas sank to the sand in despair.  Fat tears rolled down his cheeks.  He was never going to find Aragorn!

            Suddenly he heard a noise.  _Drip.  Drip. Drip.  Legolas' head shot up.  He knew that noise anywhere!  He leapt up with renewed vigour.  His head turned this way and that as he tried to ascertain where the drips were coming from.  Finally he found what he was looking for._

            Aragorn was standing on the sand, his mouth open, a pool of drool collecting around his feet.  Legolas turned to see what his friend was so intently watching.  He saw four women hitting a round object over a net.  Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Honestly Aragorn, you are such a pig."

"That's good," Aragorn mumbled, ignoring him.  He continued to stare at the women.

"Aragorn, come on, lets go!" Legolas whined.  It was no use.  Aragorn had completely blocked him out.  Legolas sighed.

"I didn't want it to come to this, but you left me with no choice."  He took a deep breathe, knowing that what he was about to do would surely end up with him dead.  "Aragorn, LOOK!  It's my good friend Mr McYak!  With a yak for an arm, and an arm for a yak!"

Aragorn's head shot around. 

"WHERE?!"

Legolas took that opportunity to yank Aragorn's hair scrunchie out of his gorgeous curls and sprint away as fast as elvenly possibly.

Aragorn screamed.

"MY HAIR SCRUNCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

            Aragorn soon caught up with Legolas and tackled him to the ground. He punched Legolas hard and snatched back the hair scrunchie.

"Aw...poor Mr Hair Scrunchie!  Are you ok?  Did the evil douche bag hurt you?!"  He hugged the hair scrunchie tightly.

Legolas would've protested at the names he was currently being called, but he was too busy indulging in the fact that Aragorn was lying close to him.  VERY close.  Mmmmmm….Unfortunately for him, Aragorn soon absentmindedly stood up and begin plaiting his hair into pigtails.  He looked around.

"Legolas, where are we?"

Legolas reluctantly stood up and looked around.

"I don't know.  But I'm scared."  He pressed himself close to Aragorn.  Aragorn pushed him away.

"Hey!" Legolas protested.  "Don't push me.  Push a push pop!"

Aragorn shook his head.

"I don't know you."

He briskly strode away, across a road, and heard a loud screeching noise.  A man's head popped out from a metal box and began abusing him.  Aragorn leapt back.

"Leggy, I don't think we're in Middle Earth any more…."

            The two began walking.  They weren't really sure where it was they were going, but they had to try and find a way to get back to Middle Earth.  All around them, people were staring and pointing.

"Hey, aren't they those people from that movie?" they whispered.  A couple of girls even ran up to them and kissed them passionately.  Legolas found all the attention quite unnerving.  Especially since Aragorn seemed to enjoy the many females dashing over to them.  Suddenly Aragorn gasped.

"Oh.  My.  GOD!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What?"

"LOOK!  IT'S THAT GUY FROM THAT MOVIE?"

"What guy from what movie?"

But Aragorn had already dashed over to a man with sunglasses and brownish hair.

Aragorn grinned at the man.

"So, Agent Smith," he began in a monotone.  "We meet again."

And with that, he dashed back to Legolas, laughing hysterically.  The man stared at him and continued walking.  

            Legolas stopped in front of a glass fronted building.  He grabbed one of Aragorn's pigtails.

"Look!"

In the window was a large poster of Aragorn.  A large, particularly sexy poster of Aragorn.  Underneath were the words, "deposit $60 and you could be flying to Mordor!"

Aragorn hugged Legolas.

"YAY!  You found a way to get out of here!  All we have to do is buy a ticket and we can walk back to Gondor from Mordor!"

Then he thought for a moment.

"Where are we going to get $60 from?"

Legolas noticed a man across the street with a hatful of money in front of him.

"Let's go ask him," he suggested.  The pair walked over to the man.

"What are you doing?" Legolas asked.

"I'm busking," the man replied, continuing to pluck the strings on his wooden instrument.

"What's that?"

"Well, I play my guitar and those walking past donate money."

"Do you get a lot of money?"

"Sure."  
"YAY!"  Aragorn yelled and ran off.

"Thank you!" Legolas shouted to the man, chasing off after Aragorn.

            Legolas looked at Aragorn nervously.  

"Are you sure this will work?"

"Of course it will!"  

Aragorn picked up his home made guitar and began belting out a familiar tune.

"Nobody on the road  
Nobody on the beach  
I feel it in the air  
The summer's out of reach  
Empty lake, empty streets  
The sun goes down alone  
I'm drivin' by your house  
Though I know you're not at home  
  
But I can see you-  
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun  
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby  
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong  
After the boys of summer have gone"

People stopped whatever they were doing and began to walk over to where the two were standing.  Everyone was transfixed by the music.  When Aragorn got to the end of the song, they all began cheering madly.  Money was thrown at them from all directions. Legolas was flabbergasted!

"Wow!  I never knew you were so musically talented!"

Aragorn grinned.  The crowd began yelling various things, though the general consensus was that they wanted more songs.  Aragorn began strumming out the familiar tune of Nirvana's _Smell's like teen spirit _and began singing.

"What is this song all about?  
Can't figure any lyrics out  
How do the words to it go?  
I wish you'd tell me, I don't know  
Don't know, don't know, don't know, oh no  
Don't know, don't know, don't know...  
  


Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin'  
And I don't know what I'm singin'  
Crank the volume, ears are bleedin'  
I still don't know what I'm singin'  
We're so loud and incoherent  
Boy, this oughta bug your parents  
Yeah…"

 The crowd went wild!  Legolas soon found himself buried under a large pile of money.  

            Sadly, the day soon came to an end.  The crowd was forced to leave when Legolas remembered he wasn't wearing any underwear.  He was now walking very cautiously, lugging the giant bag of money.  Aragorn was skipping madly in front of him.  

"Weeee!  I'm hungry!  Let's get some foooooooooooood!"  He yelled and ran off.  Legolas managed to follow him with his eyes.  He watched him dash into a building with the word "supermarket" printed on the front. Legolas shrugged and followed him inside.

            He found Aragorn standing in front of a stall of ice cream.  He had already piled two metal carts full of ice cream and was well on his way to filling the third.

"Boysenberry swirl drumsticks!  Aaaw….."  Aragorn began drooling.  He grabbed 4 boxes and piled them into his cart.

"Aragorn, do you really need that much?"

"Yeah!"

"But it'll melt before you eat it all!"

"No it won't.  Do you want anything?"

Legolas looked around the store and saw a stand of alcohol.  He grinned.

"I'll be back."

            Aragorn swallowed the last mouthful of ice cream and grinned.

"See!  I *hic* told you I could *hic* eat it all!"  He laughed hysterically and fell out of the tree he had been sitting in.  Legolas laughed at him and soon found himself lying on top of the sexy ranger.

"You know, Legol-" Aragorn began, before abruptly falling asleep.  Legolas laid his head on Aragorn's chest and dozed contentedly.

            The pair walked into the building with the poster.  Legolas walked up to the counter, with Aragorn trailing behind him.

"Hi, I'd like to buy a ticket to Mordor."

"Uh, I'm sorry, but we don't actually sell tickets to Mordor…" the lady standing behind the desk apologised.

"But the sign in your window said that you did!"

"That's just a competition.  You can enter it and go in the draw to win a trip to the premiere of Lord of the Rings: the return of the King in New Zealand.  Do you want to enter and go in the draw to win the trip?"

"No.  I just want to go home!"

"Oh.  Well then I'm afraid I can't help you.  Next please!"

A fat lady walked up to the counter and shoved Legolas out of the way.  Sighing, he helped his hung-over mortal friend off the floor.  The pair walked down the street mournfully.

"Aragorn, what are we going to do now?"

Aragorn grunted in response.

"Well thank you for that enlightening help.  That will totally get us back home."

"Well I'm sorry, but a certain elf got me absolutely pissed last night, tried to rape me and then "forgot" that us poor mortals happen to get hangovers!"

"I did not try to rape you!  And anyways, maybe if you didn't drink so much-"

"Its hard to stop drinking when it's being forced down your throat!"

"Don't blame me for your alcoholism!"

Aragorn slapped Legolas.

"Don't you DARE call me an alcoholic!"

Legolas slapped Aragorn back and went to leap away, but Aragorn snatched hold of his long hair and yanked it.  Soon their little fight turned into an all-out brawl.    Aragorn shoved Legolas hard, and he fell into an oversized garbage bin, grabbing hold of Aragorn's shirt as he fell.  The pair tumbled down a dark, deep hole.

            Aragorn and Legolas cursed profusely as they landed with a thud.  Legolas sat up slowly, rubbing his arm.  He grinned ecstatically.

"ARAGORN!!  WE'RE HOME!"

He leapt at his friend, who was slowly standing up.  He heard a sickening CRACK and jumped back, horrified.

"Sweet Eru!" he cried.  "I broke Aragorn!"

He watched as his friend's legs stood up and began cautiously walking around.  Aragorn's body rubbed his head and whispered, "Where are you?"

Legolas frowned.  That voice didn't sound like Aragorn's.  In fact, it sounded like-

"Merry?  Where are you?"

Legolas stormed over to the separated parts of Aragorn and yanked off the disguises.

"MERRY AND PIPPIN!" he yelled, enraged.  The hobbits saw his face and grabbed onto each other.  "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?!"

"Well-well-" Pippin cowered.

"Strider wanted to stay in Gondor-"

"-with Arwen-"

"-and so he asked us-"

"Wait.  Who did he want to stay in Gondor with?"

"Arwen.  His new wife."

"But I'm Arwen!"

"Well then, who did Aragorn marry?"

            Far, far away, in Gondor, Elrond cackled evilly as closed the door to Aragorn's bedroom.

THE END

A/N: I'd like to thank the reviewer who suggested I make Aragorn actually be 2 of the hobbits.


End file.
